Monday, August 13, 2012

Things that are NEVER okay....ever.

This morning on bart, I was sent into an early morning rage and was suddenly inspired. I know we've been neglecting Pants Optional, so Caity and I were both eager to give our adoring fans some material *cough*Michelle Louie*cough* and this seemed the perfect thing. I present to you a list of things/actions/clothing that is never, EVER acceptable. Ever.

Half Socks
They're ugly even in the package.
There are so many things wrong with these. Firstly, you're basically telling the world that you have smelly feet. There are more discreet ways to take care of that problem. Foot powders. Odor eliminating sprays. Make use of those. Secondly, they are butt ugly. You have single handedly made your adorable flats nasty and cheap looking. Cut it out.

Ew, I mean seriously, yuck.
Is this the 1800s? Are you serious right now? I will give you a kleenex, honestly, you can just have it. Use it and THROW IT AWAY. Handkerchiefs are beyond disgusting. Like payphones and beepers, they have no place in the modern world. Get gone and stay gone.

Skinny jeans/leggings on anyone under 5'7" or over 150lbs

You don't look like that.
I am ready for the recent trend of leggings/skinny jeans to be OVER. While it's been great for tall, statuesque models, it's given some people a misplaced sense of confidence. As the brilliant Stacy London once said, just because it's trendy, doesn't mean it's trendy for YOU. It's okay to wear real pants, no one will judge you. I will, however, judge you if you wear pants that are way too small for you. I'll also just judge you.

Reading 50 Shades of Grey in public
You should both be ashamed.
Really, you just should not read this "book". At all. Ever. BUT if you're going to do it (or are forced to in order to prove a point), please spare us all the sight and read that shit in private. Knowing that the person sitting next to me on BART is reading porn is not my favorite thing. In this instance, ignorance is absolutely bliss.

Pants that are too tight
Gentleman, I'm looking at you here. It's not great on anyone, so don't get me wrong, ladies you need to cut that shit out too, but it is definitely a greater offense when the men do it. So let me educate you really quickly: your junk does not look bigger. Your gut does not look smaller. Your ass does not look tighter. In fact, I would say it does the opposite for all of these things. So please, get a good tailor and wear pants that fit you.

I'm sure there are more, (since everything annoys us, there definitely are) but for right now this will do.


  1. Th tight pant thing is also not healthy for their junk... Keeping the testicles so close to the body makes them too hot to produce legit sperm. There is a reason that shit hangs, I'm just sayin....

  2. Actually I think those guys should continue wearing those pants. It's God's way of preventing those who should not reproduce from doing so. Tight male pants = the new form of natural selection.

  3. Gosh Michelley, you are just so WISE. How right you are. Darwinism at work <3