Monday, August 13, 2012

Things that are NEVER okay....ever.

This morning on bart, I was sent into an early morning rage and was suddenly inspired. I know we've been neglecting Pants Optional, so Caity and I were both eager to give our adoring fans some material *cough*Michelle Louie*cough* and this seemed the perfect thing. I present to you a list of things/actions/clothing that is never, EVER acceptable. Ever.

Half Socks
They're ugly even in the package.
There are so many things wrong with these. Firstly, you're basically telling the world that you have smelly feet. There are more discreet ways to take care of that problem. Foot powders. Odor eliminating sprays. Make use of those. Secondly, they are butt ugly. You have single handedly made your adorable flats nasty and cheap looking. Cut it out.

Ew, I mean seriously, yuck.
Is this the 1800s? Are you serious right now? I will give you a kleenex, honestly, you can just have it. Use it and THROW IT AWAY. Handkerchiefs are beyond disgusting. Like payphones and beepers, they have no place in the modern world. Get gone and stay gone.

Skinny jeans/leggings on anyone under 5'7" or over 150lbs

You don't look like that.
I am ready for the recent trend of leggings/skinny jeans to be OVER. While it's been great for tall, statuesque models, it's given some people a misplaced sense of confidence. As the brilliant Stacy London once said, just because it's trendy, doesn't mean it's trendy for YOU. It's okay to wear real pants, no one will judge you. I will, however, judge you if you wear pants that are way too small for you. I'll also just judge you.

Reading 50 Shades of Grey in public
You should both be ashamed.
Really, you just should not read this "book". At all. Ever. BUT if you're going to do it (or are forced to in order to prove a point), please spare us all the sight and read that shit in private. Knowing that the person sitting next to me on BART is reading porn is not my favorite thing. In this instance, ignorance is absolutely bliss.

Pants that are too tight
Gentleman, I'm looking at you here. It's not great on anyone, so don't get me wrong, ladies you need to cut that shit out too, but it is definitely a greater offense when the men do it. So let me educate you really quickly: your junk does not look bigger. Your gut does not look smaller. Your ass does not look tighter. In fact, I would say it does the opposite for all of these things. So please, get a good tailor and wear pants that fit you.

I'm sure there are more, (since everything annoys us, there definitely are) but for right now this will do.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

50 Shades of Red Flags

I recently was forced into reading that 50 Shades of Grey book because my cousin is a smart ass and used my own words against me. You can't talk shit about a book you haven't read. I say this often and it remains true. So I read order to talk educated shit about it.

For those who don't know, the book is essentially the story of Twilight but with BDSM sex instead of vampires and a completely unsympathetic idiot for a narrator. Oh no wait, that's the same. Love you Bella <3

I don't really know what to say about the actual book. So I think I'll just let a few of my favorite excerpts speak for themselves. I need to stress, I am presenting these quotes EXACTLY as they are in the book. I have not edited them in any way. This is actually what is written.

His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel...or something.
Or something. No need to come up with a real descriptor here.

He starts the engine and reverses out of his space in the parking lot. He switches on the MP3 player. The car interior is filled with the sweetest, most magical music of two women singing. Oh wow… all my senses are in disarray, so this is doubly affecting.
I can only imagine what the sweetest most magical music sounds like....

Christian pushes a button, and the music is caressing me once more. It’s a gentle, slow, sweet, and sure assault on my aural senses.
No comment.

I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live - yet he knows. But then he sent the books, of course he knows where I live. What able, cell-phone-tracking, helicopter owning, stalker wouldn’t.
Why won’t he kiss me again?
Um, perhaps we should work on sorting out your priorities....

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience.
I'm concerned about your bathing habits on a normal day if this is odd to you.

“Do you know what you are doing?” I ask.
Quick lesson to all aspiring authors: not using contractions doesn't make you sound smart. It actually has the opposite effect.

“Are you impressed?”
“I’m awed, Christian.”
He smiles.
“Awed?” And for a brief moment, he’s his age again.
I nod.
“You’re just so… competent.”
“Why, thank you, Miss Steele,” he says politely.
I know I swoon when someone tells me how competent I am.

He hands me a pen.
“Aren’t you even going to read it?”
He frowns.
“Anastasia, you should always read anything you sign,” he admonishes me.
“Christian, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone, anyway. Even Kate. So it’s immaterial whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer… whom you obviously talk to, then fine. I’ll sign.”
He gazes down at me, and he nods gravely.
“Fair point well made, Miss Steele.”
I lavishly sign on the dotted line of both copies
Agree to disagree, Christian. I can't even comment on the fact that she just signs it.

Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Christian Grey thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin. Perhaps he’s near-sighted, my subconscious has reared her somnambulant head.
How many thesauruses do you think this woman owns? Caity says at least 7.

I can hardly contain the riotous feelings or is it hormones that rampage through my body.
Apparently punctuation is no longer a necessary thing in publications?
Gripping his upper arms, I feel his biceps, he’s surprisingly strong… muscular.
LOL I just can't....

I stretch out and open my eyes. It’s a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.
You literally just said that.

I could gaze at him all day, but I have needs – bathroom needs.
I don't even have a smartass comment.

Oh this is so confusing. I have to try and categorize and analyze my feelings for Christian Grey. It’s an impossible task. I shake my head in defeat.
Well I mean, solid effort Ana. You spent a good 2 seconds on it.

He moves down my arms, then under them to my underarms washing gently. I’m so glad Kate insisted I shave.
Seriously, what is up with your hygiene???

I am in a sexual thrall to this man, and he doesn’t let me move.
I really don't think that's correct. It's....not even a proper sentence.

I’m soon lost in his kiss. He cradles my head, his tongue exploring my mouth, and I get a sense he’s expressing his gratitude – maybe – for my first blowjob? Whoa? 
Whoa? I'm using weird punctuation? Is this the proper response?

Aaaaand that's about as far as I got. I had to stop because I swear, I could feel my brain melting and slowly leaking out of my ears.

I have read so many reviews/talked to so many people about this book and the number one response I seem to be getting (aside from "I wanted to die while I read it") is, "If you can get past the bad writing, it's a really sweet story!" UM, IT'S A BOOK. Being well written isn't a luxury, it's a REQUIREMENT. When actors do not act well, they get mocked. When clothes aren't made well, they're thrown away. When people do their jobs badly, they are FIRED. Being an author is no different. There is so much good stuff out there, PLEASE for the love of God, do not read this shit.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Caity and Alex vs. Public Transportation

Is there anything in the universe more frustrating than public transportation? We think not. What sets it hands and feet above all the other annoying things in the world is the compilation of obnoxiousness. Public transportation is a plethora of irritation, a cornucopia of pissed off people, all trying to get where they need to go and making everyone else crazy in the process. Here's a small list of the INCALCULABLE amount of things that Caity and Alex find irritating about public transportation:
  1. Non-Commuters during rush hour. Surely these people have a death wish. Or perhaps the reason they can meander about all higgly piggledy during rush hour is because they're too stupid to have a real job. Either way, they are slow. They block the escalators. They stop walking in the middle of a crowded walk way. They think the entrance to the train is a good place to figure out, "Is this the train I want?" I DO NOT CARE, JUST MOVE OR DIE.
  2. The constant and never ending construction. If the escalators aren't out, then the elevator is. The stairs are closed for repair. How the fuck do you even close stairs? This one tile broke so we need to replace the ENTIRE left side floor. This entrance is closed for repair. I'm sorry, but this track needs repairs. IT NEVER STOPS.
  3. Delays delays, delays. There's a medical emergency ahead. We apologize for the inconvenience but there's an issue with BART police. Ladies and Gentleman, this train is now out of service, please exit the train immediately. I'm sorry, did you need to be on time to work? We apologize for the delay. Which leads me to...
  4. Assholes who break the train trying to sneak in the closing doors. People. If you try to run in through the BART doors and they close on you and pop back open, the train is immediately shut down and put out of service, meaning EVERYONE has to get off. We all know this, espeically the commuters. And yet somehow, it still happens. Some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.
  5. People who talk to you. I have my head phones in. I am reading a book. I am staring sullenly out of the window. Does it look like I want to hear about why you picked those flowers and are bringing them in to work? I have no desire to know what your cat had to eat for dinner. I do not care that you read this book and really liked it. Actually that's a lie, I will talk to you about that. But other than that, please recognize when your conversation is not desired.
  6. Teenagers. There is no way that my friends and I were that loud and annoying when we were 17. Surely we didn't scream about nothing and play our music without head phones and shriek at levels only dogs can hear and laugh like fucking hyenas. THERE IS NO WAY.
  7. Over-the-shoulder Text Readers. Sir/Ma'am, if you think you're being sly about the fact that you are literally peering over my shoulder, trying to read the text message I am about to send, I really hate to inform you that you are NOT.
Obviously these just touch the surface of annoying things on public transportation but we don't have the time to go on and on. Which we could. All day. Anything we missed?

Thursday, May 3, 2012

NEW RULE: Stupid people are God's way of pointing out who is evil.

Rule #13: People who are stupid should be avoided at all costs. We're not talking about people with legitimate mental disorders, or who have weird little quirks like they can never spell "white" correctly, or they have a mental block against alphabetizing. We are talking about idiots like the people in the example below. If you are just now realizing that hot water mixed with cold water makes warm water, please excuse yourself from our presence immediately, or gain a new understanding of evolution.

Caity:  oh my gosh people are stupid
             I just heard a guy telling another guy in the break room that he discovered something about the water dispenser
           "if you mix the hot and cold in a cup then it's warm"
           WHERE AM I
Caity:  I SHOULD
me:  It's not even murder. It's Darwinism
Caity:  exactly
            or karma

Just. Wow.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Alex Really Freaking Hates....

People Reading Over Her Shoulder

Back the fuck up bro.

I have had a HUGE problem with this for as long as I can remember. Maybe it stems from my love of reading out loud. Maybe it has to do with my neck-phobia thing. Maybe I'm just a bitch. Who knows? Either way, I absolutely cannot stand it when people read over my shoulder.

This is not your computer. You are not looking at so and so's facebook page right now. If there was something funny I wanted to show you, I will tell you so, show you this funny thing, and then our interaction is concluded. Do not remain behind me and read everything else on my screen and comment on it.

You want to know what this article I'm reading says? Wonderful! I will read aloud to you. I have a beautiful speaking voice and am very enthusiastic in my readings. Do NOT come to my computer and lean over my body to read the article yourself. If you do not want me to read it aloud to you, I will email it to you and you can read it on your own computer as many times as you wish.

DO NOT ask me what was just on my screen. It is 100% not your business and it is pretty much guaranteed to make me dismiss you and make you feel like crap. Don't make me do that to you.

If you're curious about what I'm doing so quietly over here on my computer, please, feel free to ask. If it's anything even slightly intriguing I will be glad to share. But for the love of all that is holy, BACK. THE. FUCK. UP.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Google is a sneaky bitch

At work today, Caity and I were gchatting like normal, when Google decided to play a very mean trick on us. At approximately 10AM, I stopped receving IM's from Caity. It happens sometimes, she is at an actual job, so I proceeded to send her random IM's for the next 2ish hours. Around 12, Cate texted me.

Caity: Why do you hate me
Alex: UMM, I've been messaging you with no response since like 11:30!! Why do YOU hate ME??
Caity: False! I've been doing that to YOU!
Alex: I think google may be playing a cruel joke on us...
So I investigated.

Here's the conversation from my POV:
Alex:  omg i was going to say he looks like Old Aslan
Caity:  hahaha
            he is!
Sent at 9:52 AM
Alex:  UGH
           gross, i hate deadlines
Sent at 11:01 AM
           Feels Good at First - Train
           that ones from the new album and i like it
Sent at 11:51 AM
           Oh I like this one too
           Oh I like this one too, "SIng Together:
Sent at 12:04 PM

And HERE's the conversation that was actually happening:
Alex:  omg i was going to say he looks like Old Aslan
Caity:  hahaha
            he is!
Sent at 9:52 AM
Caity:  I'm pretty sure the people here think I'm psycho
            they come in to the room pretty often to take chairs for other meetings
            and when they bring them back they call them "my friends"
            because no one is ever in here with me
            so I get lonesome
            the chairs are my only company
Sent at 10:24 AM
Caity:  why is ann hathway in les mis?!
            I'm pissed
            I hate her
Sent at 10:27 AM
            TALK TO  ME
            I'M BORED
Sent at 10:39 AM
Caity:  I think I'm gonna go to Nordstrom Rack after work...
            My new deodorant smells good
            WHERE ARE YOU
Sent at 10:47 AM
Caity:  you suck
Sent at 10:56 AM
Alex:  UGH
           gross, i hate deadlines
Sent at 11:01 AM
Caity:  why am I looking at bikinis on
            I super like this one
Sent at 11:13 AM
Caity:  you're killing me
             i bought candy from the store yesterday and forgot to bring some to work
Sent at 11:20 AM
            you're no use to me
Sent at 11:31 AM
Caity:  I can't believe you're just... NOT talking to me
Sent at 11:45 AM
Alex:  Feels Good at First - Train
           that ones from the new album and i like it
Caity:  AGGHHH
            are you going to be my friend now?!
Sent at 11:51 AM
Alex:  Oh I like this one too
            I hope you're happy
Sent at 12:00 PM
Caity:  I love modcloth but their swimsuits are terribly unflattering
Alex:  Oh I like this one too, "SIng Together:
Caity:  I'm going to kill you.

Google, you little bastard.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

This is an Important and Relevant post.

I haven't made a post in a while. Caity's been doing real things so she couldn't chat with me last week and be funny. So instead, I give you one of our favorite things/our mascot. 

Pissed Off Cats:


You're welcome.